Love is not the enemy; your thoughts and models of what wasn’t love are.

Karissa Kocjancic
4 min readOct 6, 2022
Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Love is not the answer; healing your patterns and relationship to self is. Love however, healthy relational love that is a daily choice, that shows up, is consistent, works through the tough conversations, is the most profound gift another human being can give you. The prerequisite to this is of course beginning (because it never ends) the work on your own healing path to heal your own patterns and your own relationship with yourself. To forgive yourself for accepting what love wasn’t. To repair that relationship with yourself so you trust yourself enough to believe you’re worthy when healthy love shows up. To not allow shame, blame, and inner criticism to keep you from opening up when healthy love knocks on your door. To have learned enough of what love isn’t that that has become your list of non negotiables and boundaries. To have stepped into your power, out of victim mode enough to know that you are personally responsible and play a key role in the creation of healthy love. For what you tolerate and put up with will show someone how they are allowed to treat you, and what you don’t will show them where your line in the sand is. For our greatest duty on this path of self love and loving another is to honor our own needs, including activating our voice and teaching others what loving us looks like. No our partners are not responsible for healing our parental dynamics, no one is. We are responsible for knowing our triggers and loving ourselves enough to communicate them. Whether or not someone responds in a compassionate loving way, and resists saving us from ourselves will tell us the health of the relationship. Owning our shit, creating enough awareness and vulnerability to know what that even looks like; this will also determine the health of our relationship. And if we’re so stuck in victim mode, finger pointing mode, if we’re so in our own way that we can’t see where we are the common denominator in all of our relationships; we will continue to repeat these patterns until the pain of staying the same become greater than the pain of change; and then we change.

Love is not the enemy; your thoughts and models of what love wasn’t are. But its no one elses reponsibility to change your thoughts, or your requirements of what healthy love will look like. That is your job. And one there is no one else to…

Karissa Kocjancic

Lover of life. Believer of people. Connoisseur of growth. Mom. RYT-500. & Certified Life Coach at and